Have you ever wondered why some relationships work and some don’t?
Clients often ask me if they will know when it’s the right time to go. If you are asking that question, it’s probably long overdue.
So why do people continue to consciously stay in a relationship that is costing them every day?
Think about it this way, if you had $100.00 in an investment account and each day for 100 days you lost $1.00, at the end of 100 days, you’d have $0. Would you deposit another $100 or cut your losses and invest differently?
The “trend” shows that with 100% certainty, you will lose $1.00 per day, so more than likely you’d choose another option or you’d just save your money.
For many people, the word “cost” seems to apply only to money. But with every decision, beyond money, there is a cost involved.
A relationship is about connecting… connecting on many different levels. If the connection is not there, many times people start to blame themselves and think “what’s wrong with me?” So, they change to please the other person.
In one of my past relationships (that cost me many years); I read every self- help book I could find. I attended “positive thinking” workshops. I went back to school. I went to counseling. I hired a life coach. I made a dream board. I watched documentaries from the world’s top “thought leaders.” I hired a personal fitness trainer. I dieted. I, I, I… Lord, where does it end?
Well, it ended when I chose to end it. I realized that I couldn’t connect with this person if he wasn’t interested in connecting with me.
I realized that I could continue to improve and grow and learn and evolve, but if he didn’t, I couldn’t make him do anything.
Although I had learned many new skills and applied them in my life with great success, I was still left feeling empty and worthless. Because I had made all of these amazing changes, I expected that they would be recognized and that he, too, would be interested in improving.
The operative word is “expected.” Unmet expectations are disappointing and can lead to a “victim” mentality. “Look at all I’ve done to change and you’ve done nothing.”
I expected something different, so that left me the victim, because “you didn’t do what I thought you should do.” Should, Should, Should!
Back to the original question: “SHOULD I stay or SHOULD I go?” Here are some questions to ask yourself:
- Do I like how this person treats me?
- Am I a priority?
- Does this person respect me?
- Are you accepted for who you are?
- Can you be your authentic self?
- Does this person inspire you to be the best version of yourself?
- Is this person encouraging and supportive?
- Do I like this person if he/she never changes?
- Do we have fun together?
- Do I like who I am when I am with this person?
After you answer these questions, I think your answer will be clear. But here’s the hard part…actually doing something… taking action. Being together may be comfortable, but imagine being comfortable and answering yes to the above 10 questions.
Go beyond “imagining it” and make it happen. It’s totally up to you to choose your SHOULDs.
In the end, I chose to “go.” And although this relationship cost me, I gained the strength I needed to “stay” in my next relationship, because I made sure that these 10 questions had a firm “yes.”
Your relationships can be exactly what you deserve and desire if you never settle or compromise.
“You have to meet people where they are and sometimes you have to leave them there.” ~ Iynala Vanzant