He looks at me with such anger in his eyes. Resentment and frustration are oozing out of every fiber of his being. He crosses his arms and keeps on staring at me. Daring me like if we’re in a boxing ring and he needs to put me down with a knockout, just because he wants to.
We’ve been here before. Too many times for my liking. Him angry and seeing me as the enemy symbolic of his past, current and maybe future perceived dangers.
That is my boyfriend. The love of my life.
Diagnosed with schizophrenia years ago. Decided then and there that that is not the person he is. “Relabeled” later on as having psychotic tendencies and certain vulnerabilities. And he does have certain tendencies and vulnerabilities, as well as a strong will, intelligence and a burning desire to be his best self-surpassing those tendencies and vulnerabilities.
But we still find ourselves at times at this place where I’m being perceived as the enemy.
I’m sweating as we’re having this discussion. I’m scared. Because in the past we’ve had these sorts of discussions and they always ended up in him going back to his own place, wanting to start a different life, wanting to change course in his life, break up with me or whatever was relevant at that time, leaving me anxious as to what might come when we would speak again. Would he leave me again? Would he leave his love for art again? Would he want to travel the world? Would he walk with anger the next 2 weeks?
So while we’re having this discussion I’m scared as to what might come. I’m scared of losing him… scared of his intense and all-encompassing emotions. I’m scared that this might drag on as it did in the past.
The next morning I feel exhausted and empty. I don’t feel up to my morning routine and my body feels as if I’m carrying too much weight on my shoulder. I feel pissed and irritated, contracted and small.
These discussions and experiences are something that is still coming up again and again although the intensity of them diminishes because of his self-reflective attitude and his desire to transform these tendencies. I choose to be with him because these tendencies and vulnerabilities are not the complete person he is. This is just one aspect of him although it’s an intense one. So how do I stay trusting, calm and in connection with myself when he’s in such an episode?
It’s not because of him that I feel anxious and scared. It’s because his behavior triggers unconscious beliefs I have about myself and the world. Let me explain.
Your Circumstances are your way out of your Circumstances.
When we are born, we come into this world with a certain predisposition, with a certain vibratory level. This vibratory level brings with it certain core beliefs that shape us and our world. These beliefs are about YOU and how YOU view the world, such as “I’m good enough”, “I’m capable”, “the world is a good place”, “I feel safe”.
These core beliefs are in essence trusting and abundant in nature because Life is abundant and flow in itself. These core beliefs are there for you to express yourself fully and not to inhibit you. Life wants to express herself through you and your unique expression in this world. But most of us come into this world in a family and community who might have lost touch with their own vibrations and true core beliefs.
You may have brought up with beliefs that might be limiting and lacking in nature, like “I’m not good enough”, “I’m not capable”, “the world is a dangerous place”, “Life is unpredictable” or “Life is unsafe”. By adopting those beliefs.
The beliefs you take on in your life have a certain vibratory level. When you identify with certain beliefs, you will vibrate at that level and attract the things/people and experiences with the same vibratory level.
So when you take on those beliefs of the people who raise you or who you find important and make them your own – even when they’re not. You create your life according to those vibrations and your connection with your own vibration gets distorted.
In order to know which belief is truly yours, you have to tune into your emotions. You probably have had those experiences in your life where you just “knew” something was right for you. You didn’t think about it, you felt it! It’s the same for when something isn’t right for you. It makes you feel bad, contracted and/or small.
So I’m with my boyfriend because he resonates with certain adopted unconscious as well as my core conscious beliefs I have. But him having these tendencies triggers my adopted unconscious core beliefs of Not Being Safe, Not Being Good Enough and I’m scared that he might leave because I’m not “perfect” enough and that’s making me feel scared and angry.
So instead of confirming my adopting beliefs and the associated vibrations and stay in my negative emotions, I’m choosing to dive deep within and see what I can transform. I’m using this experience to uncover adopted unconscious beliefs and transform them so I’ll grow closer and closer to my true self and leave the adopted beliefs behind and make core beliefs that make me feel good my own.
So instead of focusing my attention on him and on how he should change, I’m doing the following:
1. I take a deep breath, slow down, and step out of the fast current of negative emotions and focus on how I truly feel. I don’t want to lose myself in the current, but instead look at the current and define what type of current it is (fear, anger, frustration).
2. I acknowledge my tendencies to stay in this negative current and be mad at him. It’s much easier to stay mad at him and focus my attention on him than on what my fear, anger and/or frustration may say about me. So I acknowledge my desire to stay in the negative current.
3. I’m also being kind to myself to feel this way. I don’t want to blame myself for either wanting to stay in the negative current or to feel anger, fear and/or frustration.
4. Now I’m taking this opportunity to investigate what this experience can teach me about myself and how I can learn from this. So I’m taking a closer look at my fear, anger or frustration. I’m diving within that feeling to find out WHY I feel that way. Am I scared to get emotionally hurt? And if so, why? Am I scared that he will leave me? If so, why?
5. Then I tune into my inner wisdom and remember that whatever I feel is an indication as to whether what I think and believe is in line with my true self. With my higher self. So if I think that I will be totally alone when he leaves me and that makes me feel bad (real bad and scared), I acknowledge that that thought and belief is NOT true. It’s not in line with how the Universe works and how we are all connected. Me feeling bad about that belief/thought is a signal that I shouldn’t think and believe that.
6. Then I will look for beliefs that make me feel better. I’m looking for core beliefs that are true for any situation and not specific for the one with my boyfriend. Universal Core Beliefs about trust, abundance, and Love.
Lastly, I take my time (at least a few days) to sit and be with this experience and contemplate all my emotions. I focus and practice my new belief and pay attention to the feelings that go with it.
7. The beauty of our relationship with my boyfriend is that we both are transforming and transcending our limiting beliefs. We “use” each other as a mirror to get closer to our true self. So this experience with him is a huge opportunity to rid myself of my adopted beliefs that don’t make me feel good about my world or myself.
On an ending note and an invitation…
You can apply the step-by-step approach to all sorts of situations.
I could’ve applied this to the time I felt so scared of not being able to pay the bills that I was willing to take any job without reflecting on if and how it would nourish my soul, or the time I was working in a corporate job I didn’t love, or during my years of struggling with money flow.
What I’m saying here is that it really doesn’t matter in what situation you’re in; whether you are working a job you don’t like, whether you’re too busy for your liking with your children, or you don’t have enough time with your children, you don’t have enough time for yourself, you feel overpressured and overwhelmed, or even if you feel that you’re supposed to enjoy what you’re doing because that’s what you’ve been working so hard for to attain, but you feel exhausted.
Whatever situation you find yourself in, if that situation causes you to feel disconnected with yourself, anxious, scared, frustrated or upset, these are the steps you can take to start feeling like the REAL you again.
Now I know this is not something you can solve in one session (you can but not everybody does that). Challenging your current beliefs and getting back to your true beliefs is a journey with ups-and-downs. So don’t worry if you don’t “get it” the first time you try this (or the second or third). With every try you learn something new and with every try you build on more insights and more experience.
What’s most important is that you go through this process. You’ll see that when you least expect it, you’ll experience yourself (re)acting differently.
Trust yourself and trust the process.