You don’t fall in love with someone just by looking at them, you fall in love by looking into them.
In this somewhat superficial world we live in, we often forget to dig deeper into a person. We look at the material things. We look at the physical aspects. But we forget the soul and the heart of that person.
Liz Leia takes a very close look at this and how looking at your other half deep down inside can determine how well the relationship goes!
I See You: Your Relationship Litmus Test
by Liz Leia
In the movie Avatar, the Na’vi tribe has a greeting which translates to “I see you.” It’s not about physically seeing someone; it’s about seeing their soul—who they really are.
How does this relate to dating and attraction? Well, simply put, we are attracted to those that see us for how we see ourselves. Although attraction is pretty complex, one of the key components is feeling like the other person “sees” you. This is significant because it’s a great way to qualify potential mates.
When I was younger and full of insecurities, I was attracted to a very different type of guy than I am now—the kind of guy that drives me wild today is someone I wouldn’t have looked twice at a few years ago.
This doesn’t just have to do with garden variety maturity. I read a lot of material written for men on how to pick up women, and most of it suggests saying and doing things that I wouldn’t find attractive at all…now. But I know that when I was an insecure mess, those techniques would have worked like a charm.
Now, the same behavior that used to be a turn off is exactly what I want, and when I dug deeper, I found that it was because I was drawn to guys who saw “the real me.” As my view of myself changed, so did the type of guy I was drawn to.
This is significant because who you are attracted to is a great litmus test of how high your level of confidence is. Also, how someone responds to you treating him or her well is a great litmus test of his or her level of confidence and maturity.
There’s some pick-up material written for men that suggests you should put women down, ignore them, make fun of them, and treat them like they are disposable—and for a woman with a hot body and low self-image, this is the hot ticket. She’s used to men seeing her gorgeous exterior and calling her gorgeous, and she doesn’t take those men seriously.
Then a man comes along and “sees her for who she really is.” She believes she is garbage, and he treats her like garbage. Suddenly, she’s hooked—this guy gets it!
On the flipside of this, you have books like The Rules, which teach a woman how to hook a needy, insecure man while driving away self-respecting men who have options.
Of course, the opposite is also true. A woman who truly loves and cherishes herself will be attracted to those who love her and cherish her.
When a man puts this woman down or ignores her, she thinks, “Oh, he doesn’t get it.” She moves on to a man who will look at her and say, “Wow, you’re beautiful,” because that’s how she sees herself—and now she’s hooked because this guy gets it.
From a communication standpoint, this is what’s known as “pacing someone’s current experience.” When you build rapport with someone—i.e. when you create a connection with them, you do so first by pacing their current experience. Rapport is taught mostly as matching and mirroring another’s body language, tone of voice, and choice of words, but the most powerful way to create rapport is to pace a person’s internal experience of him or herself.
If someone is acting confident but deep down they are insecure, the insecurity is their current experience. Treat this person like they are small, and he or she will believe, “Wow, he sees me!”
So if you believe that walking up to a woman and telling her that she’s beautiful “won’t work,” you’re right. Most of the time, it won’t, because most women are insecure. They don’t see their own beauty, so when a man sees it, they look at him and think he’s either stupid, blind, or must have an ulterior motive. Even if they don’t have any of these thoughts consciously, the unconscious reaction is still, “yuck—this guy’s not for me.” And then she moves on to a man who will treat her as worthless as she believes she is.
The best way to find your ideal match is to treat everyone you meet like they fit the profile. Those who don’t feel that way about themselves will go away; those who do will be drawn to you.
This is scary for most people because they don’t want to drive anyone away. This principle actually holds true in business as well. Most entrepreneurs, when they first start out, make the mistake of wanting to market to everyone. They are terrified to turn anyone away or have someone say no to their product or service. But with sales, you want to get lots of no’s. No means it wasn’t a good fit, and now you don’t need to waste any more time with that person—you can move on to another prospect that might actually be qualified to be a good customer.
Dating is the same way. Compliments (and other acts of affection) are a way to qualify potential mates.
For example, if I told a guy that I loved his strong, take-charge nature, and he reacted with,
“Oh, um, really? I thought I was being a jerk…actually, I was gonna apologize for that, but…really? You liked that?” This guy’s not a bad guy, but he’s not for me.
But if he responded with a glowing, “Thanks,” then we are in business.
And if he doesn’t say anything at all but just grabs me and kisses me, even better.
Again, compliments are the ultimate litmus test to see how confident a person is, and if she (or he) sees herself as you see her.
Speaking of litmus tests, this is also a great one for you: who are you attracted to? Are you attracted to bad boys or bitchy women who treat you like dirt and break your heart?
Or are you attracted to someone who will treat you like the king or queen that you are?
Remember, the person you are attracted to is the person that sees you as you see yourself, so if you are attracted to those who mistreat you, then there’s something to be learned from that.
The more you treat yourself well, the more you will be drawn to those who do the same.