It is painful, isn’t it?

You lay down in bed, next to your husband. But you don’t touch him. He doesn’t touch you, either. He turns to the other way, pretends to be sleeping.

You and he just had a fight over such a small thing that now you can’t even recall.

You know it was not worth it to argue, you wanted to apologize to him. But you are proud and it wasn’t 100% your fault… so he should be sorry too!

The more you think about it, the angrier you feel. No way will you apologize to him first.

Do you find this picture familiar?

The bad thing is, this happens more and more often lately.

You don’t know when it first started but all of the sudden, you realize you rarely have a warm loving night with him. You no longer feel the sparks between you two, you no longer miss him, you no longer desire him so much that your body aches.

You know you love him, and he loves you. But many times you find yourself trying to say something to hurt him, just to let he knows how much it hurts you.

You know this is bad for your marriage. You are scared that your “happily-ever-after” is fading away. You are scared that you are killing your marriage without knowing.

You spend time reading all the books you could find about marriage, trying all the things they recommend to change your situation. Some of them work. Some of them don’t.

Tell me, of 5 little-known-ways below, how many of them are you guilty of?

1. You think negative thoughts about your husband

Women contribute a lot to a marriage. Many times we try so hard that it backfires on us.

After a long day at work, you are tired and exhausted. Honestly, you just want to go straight to the shower, take a long bath and come to bed. But instead, you dive into cleaning the house and making dinner.

How do you find yourself thinking and feeling while doing that?

Not happy I bet.

How many times do you find yourself mumbling, “He just comes home and be a potato couch. How come doesn’t he see that I just came back from work too? Why do I have to do everything while he is sitting on his butt watching TV?”

You might never tell him this. But you repeatedly say it to yourself. You allow it to take control of your thought, then your mind revisits negative stories from the past to convince you that you always feel tired and mad for doing all the house chores by yourself while your husband is watching TV.

This thought is toxic. It poisons your love and admiration toward your husband. It changes the way you look at him.

Instead of thanking him for opening the jar for you, you complain about him not getting up and helping you to cook.

Whenever you feel anger or depression toward him, tell yourself to stop.

Say it out loud. Snap yourself out of negative thoughts. Take back control. And decide which is worthy of your attention and which is not.

2. You compare your spouse to your ideal husband

Do you often get mad at your husband because he doesn’t do what you think he should do?

You constantly compare him with an ideal husband, who would be willing to do whatever you want him to do even before you say it.

We spend too much time comparing our significant others with an imagined human, thinking that if they just changed one thing about them, then we would settle back and be happy.

When you start to compare your husband with an ideal husband or others, you will soon start to notice more and more things about him that you wish he would change.

The ugly part of comparison is that it makes you focus on the negative things. You only compare your husband when he doesn’t do what you hope he would or when he does things that you hope he wouldn’t.

You seem to forget to compare yourself with someone nicer, sweeter and more hard-working.

You have an expectation to be accepted as who you are- flaws and all- but your expectation of your husband is so high that no man can literally fulfill.

What can you do when you feel the need of comparison?

Think of yourself as your husband’s shield. Your job is now to protect him. Treat the part of you who wants to start judging him is a stranger trying to intervene your marriage life. And you stand up to fight for your marriage.

Remember your own flaws and that you can’t expect him to have it all together. Come up with reasons why he does things and scenarios where you prefer it to be that way.

3. You carry negative energy from one thing to the next

We have tough days sometimes. Sometimes your work drains you or something makes you feel bad.

That is just life. It happens from time to time. You come home feeling sad, vulnerable and broken. You become over-sensitive with everything.

You try to find a place to release your negativity, you start searching for your husband’s mistakes and bombard him with your complaints.

This is the worst thing you could do. Because not only you carry negativity back home, you also passionately spread it to your husband.

Both positivity and negativity are contagious.

When you send out negative thoughts, negative things come back to you. A thought in your head or an emotion you feel determines your life experience. If you create negativity in your marriage, it will happen more frequently.

Put a stop to this to make sure you stay in your happy zone and not let life affect your marriage.

Your marriage is between you and your husband, nothing should or could come in between.

This is not as complicated as it might seem. Before you enter your home, stop for a second. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and think of your loving husband waiting for you with open arms. Your home is full of love and happiness, and you cannot wait to let your husband know that.

You will no longer be carrying forward any negativity from your life to your marriage, giving you a greater chance to experience love.

That is a life that worth living.

4. You have a list of his mistakes

Women keep track of things. Everything. Including your husband’s faults.

When he does something that makes you mad, you are not only angry because of that thing he did. You are also mad because of the things he had done.

Your madness is like a cup of water. Insteading emptying it every time you make peace with your husband, you simply put your cup away.  Next time you get mad, you bring your cup out and add up a drop to it.

Eventually, when your madness overflows your limit, you explode and throw that list to your husband.

Obviously, this is unfair. But why do you still do it?

Because you want your loved ones to understand and know how you feel. You want to connect with him on a level that you feel safe and protective.

Bringing up past mistakes is your attempt to gain reassurance that old problems won’t happen again in the future.

However, this behavior does not only drive your husband crazy, but it also ensures those problems to repeat.

Stay in the moment and let go of the past. This is easier said than done.

Whenever you are on the edge of nagging your husband to death, stop for a second and ask yourself:

“Am I mad because of his past mistakes?”

You can even write down all the mistakes he made that you will use against him. Before reading them to him, cross all the points that are not in the present.

5. You don’t create a safe place for your husband to be himself

People have a need to be seen, heard and acknowledged just the way they are. Both men and women want that, but they express it differently.

Women talk at length about their problems and feelings, while men were raised to keep feelings to himself.

You can come home and act like a drama queen, storming around and bitching about your tiring work, a mean coworker and thousands of things while your husband simply listens. It feels like he doesn’t have any problem, or he just simply doesn’t care.

The truth is, he does. But he hasn’t opened up with you that much.

He doesn’t want to be judged, manipulated or treated as he is wrong. He rather not shares with you than listen to your preaching.

In the world where men have to act tough to make it through a day at work, they need a place where they can be themselves and be vulnerable.

If you want a deep connection with your husband, be his safe place. Encourage him to take off his manhood mask and be himself.

The key to remember is that as soon as you judge him, you lose all the ability to influence him. Once you preach, your husband’s self-defense system stands up and protect him from being hurt. And he will never share things with you again.

If you love him, learn to love his flaws, learn to accept how he is and give him more unconditional love.

This creates an emotional connection and brings your husband closer to you. Once he sees you can honor his true self, he will start doing the same thing for you. You will soon find your marriage lost in undying love.

Over to you

You are laying in bed, in your husband’s arms. You and your husband now have a long sweet chat before going to bed.

You share with each other how your days went, how you felt and how much you missed each other. You see your husband as your soul-mate, someone truly understands you. And he does.

Your life has never been better. Your home is always warm and welcoming. You appreciate everything he does for you. And you can see more clearly what he has done for you.

You open your heart and soul to your husband without feeling scared or insecure.

With your husband’s gentle support, you feel like you can conquer the world.

Sound too unrealistic? It’s not.

This is your happily-ever-after. Don’t let it fade away. Be your marriage savior. Live a life worth wishing for, with a man worth dying for.

Mai Pham

Mai Pham

Mai Pham is a health and fitness blogger who has lost over 10 pounds by following a balanced lifestyle. Her mission is to help people to get fit, feel healthier so they can enjoy their lives to the fullest. Grab her cheatsheet: 5 secrets to lose 10 pounds in 2 months without starving yourselves - for dieters who have tried everything else. Find her on Facebook.

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