We’re a world of busy, over-committed, stressed-out, sleep-deprived and just plain tired folks. For many couples, life just seems to get in the way of finding time for sex or even simple pleasures.
And, to make things harder on us, modern day society has conditioned us to look for and seek perfection in all areas of our lives, which leads to an ongoing state of frustration and dissatisfaction. And, as you know, these feelings are not conducive to an exciting sex life.
To allow for more sex, joy and harmony in our lives, it’s time that we embrace the ancient Japanese art form known as Wabi Sabi.
Wabi Sabi honors all things old, weathered, worn, imperfect and impermanent by finding the beauty and perfection in the imperfections. For instance, if you had a large vase with a big crack down the middle of it, a Japanese art museum would put the vase on a pedestal and shine a light on the crack. Or, they might fill the crack with 24k gold. When we practice Wabi Sabi Love, we appreciate our own, and everyone else’s, imperfections.
Taking the Wabi Sabi View on Pleasure
There is now ample research proving that pleasure (and sex) not only reduces stress, it also improves our health, overall wellbeing and longevity. So when was the last time you consciously added pleasure to your life?
The Wabi Sabi approach to pleasure doesn’t require much effort but rather small, simple actions. Begin by making a list of things that evoke pleasure in each of your senses and then promise yourself to take at least one pleasure break a day – even if it’s just making a cup of your favorite tea or stopping to literally smell the roses.
The Art of Wabi Sabi Sex
Applying Wabi Sabi to your sex life means it’s ok that you’re too tired, stressed or don’t have time – it’s about making a commitment to connecting anyway. According to relationship guru, Alison Armstrong, just because you’re not in the mood or you’re feeling disconnected from your partner, doesn’t mean you can’t make the effort to reconnect and re-ignite the energizing, and life-giving forces of sex. Like riding a bike, you’ll quickly get back in the groove.
Find a new time, a new place, and a new way to initiate a connection. Even if you feel silly, awkward or strange – just go for it.
Remember this is Wabi Sabi sex. It doesn’t have to be perfect.
And, however the lovemaking turns out, whether it’s dull and routine, or toe-curling ecstasy, choose to find the beauty and perfection in it. Know that it’s going to be great because you’ve made the effort to give yourself and your partner some attention, affection and hopefully pleasure.
Tips on Becoming a Wabi Sabi Artisan
1) Make an effort to let them know they are loved even if some of their behavior is not.
No matter what crazy-making thing our partner is doing, they did not wake up with the thought; “I plan to drive my spouse insane today.” Just like you, your partner wants to be loved for who they are, in spite of their shortcomings. Work towards co-creative solutions.
2) It only takes one person to make a difference.
Even if your partner isn’t willing to change that doesn’t mean all is lost. By taking personal responsibility for your own happiness, and making space for your partner to be who and what they are, magic can, and often does happen. It’s when we are blaming and shaming that no progress can be made.
3) A great relationship requires care and feeding.
Find daily ways to connect and express your love and gratitude for your partner. One of our favorite things to do is a 20 second hug. To begin, join your partner in a melting hug by standing heart-to-heart, with your arms around each other and your hands placed on each other’s backs in the area near the heart. The idea is to get as close as possible while still being comfortable. Breathe gently yet deeply, and if it feels right, add some sound effects… a few yums or sighs will enhance the experience. It’s quick, easy and fun!
When we allow ourselves to experience pleasure, we are relaxed and in the flow, and it’s a zillion times easier to access our positive emotions. By taking the time to add pleasure to your life you will be calmer, happier, and more receptive to enjoying and receiving love at every level. You will learn to accept the flaws, imperfections, and limitations – as well as the gifts and blessings – that form your shared history as a couple.
After all, imagine how great you will feel when you know your partner loves all of you, all the time? The good, the bad, and everything in between!
Have you and your partner already injected a little Wabi Sabi into your sex life and relationship? Share how you have come to accept and love each other’s flaws and imperfections below.